Something to live for
by Crystal E. Fall
Summary: Jem Carstairs knew he was going to die. It was only a matter of time, really. But he had accepted it. Embraced it even. Then he met Will Herondale, and everything changed.


_I finished Clockwork princess two weeks ago (my heart still hasn't recovered) and I love Will and Jem so much, holy crap! Their relationship is amazing and I guess this is my take on it. Or reflection. I honestly don't know. It's late and my head's a mess lol._

_Anyway, hope you like it. :)_

* * *

Jem Carstairs knew he was going to die.

It was only a matter of time, really. Two years. A few months. Maybe even tomorrow. The _yin fen _saw to that - the very substance keeping him alive also moving his death date closer and closer. He knew he would be lucky to see his eighteenth birthday.

But he accepted it. Embraced it even. It was better to live a short, meaningful life than a long, meaningless one after all.

And his life did have meaning. It truly did. When he had arrived at the London Institute at twelve, tired and scared and so completely _alone_, he had wondered how he would ever feel at home in this strange, grey city thousands of miles from home. Charlotte and Henry Branwell were nice enough, but their eyes were filled with sorrow and pity - pity he didn't want.

He understood it was only out of kindness, but all it did was remind him again and again of the past. The tears slipping down his mother's face. His father screaming his name. The demon hovering over him, smiling, laughing as pure agony coursed through his veins. He wasn't ready to relive those memories yet. Wasn't ready to confront what had happened. Wasn't ready to meet all the sympathetic gazes his way because that would mean confronting his grief again. Going through all the emotions again. And he'd had enough of it. All he wanted was to move on.

Then he met Will Herondale.

Will was different - hot-tempered and arrogant with a tongue as sharp as a sword. He didn't look at him as if he was a frail vase that could shatter at any moment. He treated him as he treated everyone else - he didn't coddle him, didn't tread lightly around his feelings.

The majority of the Institute's inhabitants found him most difficult to be around, but underneath his cruel words and seemingly permanent scowl, Jem could sense a huge heart, how passionately he cared for everyone around him - a genuinely kind and loving person. Which was why he refused to budge when Will tried to push him away. Will was hurting, that much was clear - but so was Jem. Maybe all they needed was someone who knew what the other was going through. Someone who _understood_.

And after that, they had been Jem and Will. Will and Jem. Inseparable even before the _parabatai _rune made it official. They still didn't speak much of the past - but they didn't need to. Will would tell him the full story when he was ready, just as Jem himself would.

Even as Jem's condition worsened, Will never treated him differently. They kept training, fighting and searching for demons together. He believed in him, supported him - in his own slightly reserved way - and trusted him with his life. It made him feel like he was more than his illness, could be more for someone else than a burden, which he couldn't be more grateful for.

Some days were tough. Some days the _yin fen's _hold on him was too strong, leaving him weak and bedridden. But those days were a little less awful, a little more bearable with his _parabatai _by his side - making jokes, writing terrible poetry, reciting passages from his favourite books, always _there _when he needed him the most.

And when Will entered his phases of self-loathing - which seemed to occur most frequently around early November - Jem tried his best to distract him. They went on long journeys hunting for demons or going on - mostly fake - errands in the most remote areas of the city. Oftentimes, the weather was miserable and seemed to suck the energy out of Jem, the _yin-fen's _effects not lasting nearly as long as it should, but the way his _parabatai's _shoulders always slumped a little less, how his jokes were a little less half-hearted by the end of the day, the silent _thank you _in his eyes as they came back to the Institute way into the night, made it all worth it.

In more ways than one, they kept each other going. Gave each other something to live for.

Jem knew he was going to die. Sooner rather than later. But it was becoming increasingly harder to embrace it as he had before. Because dying meant leaving Will Herondale behind, and that was something he never wanted to do.


End file.
